I want to live a simple life, quiet.
I want money to sustain myself without having to worry, but I don't care about being rich. I want my own apartment, with white furniture from IKEA and many green plants, but I don't care about living in a proper house, with a garden, a garage and all that. I want a job that is secure and that I can enjoy working at for rest of my life, but I don't care about becoming ceo or leader or whatever.

I was never a competitive child either. I never cared for medals or being (one of) the best.
Problem is, I was the best, at school. And when you are good at school (without studying hard) they all expect great things from you. I expect great things from me — or... I don't know, I guess I used to; now I just hope to get by.

I want quiet days, I want to pass through this life with as little fuss as possible.
It may be a waste. But how can ambition, and consequent struggle, be better than being content?

Most people won't agree with me. Most people will be far more successful than me, some (of my peers) already are.
What is success, though? A higher paying job? Being promoted? Fancy cars and clothes and shit? I feel more successful than most when I look up at the sky and let myself be in awe of the firmament. I feel successful when I walk through the trees and let myself breathe with them. I feel successful when I experience love: family love, friends love, and love love.
Too cheesy? I want a cheesy life, then.

i wrote a draft for this post last night, after a dinner with friends at a local winery ^[1] — how special is that place!
this morning i woke up early to come to university and i looked up and... how mesmerizing, that sunrise! different colors in every direction, small clouds, crisp air... lovely!

Maybe my mind is just trying to protect my feelings from the inevitable defeat I will suffer in the game of life. After all, who doesn't want a bigger house? a bigger paycheck? I am convincing myself that I don't, so that I won't feel bad when I won't get it.
Or maybe, I am simply too scared of commitment; if I don't work hard for something great, then I won't be disappointed when it doesn't come my way.

Now, all I have is guilt, which is better than disappointment because, when feeling guilty about myself and my actions, I can at least hope to make a change; when feeling disappointed, there's no hope — it's over.

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1. Just learned it is actually a "wine shop". Wineries are something else entirely but the word shop feels too impure to describe such a place. ↩︎